Today I am grateful and happy about the session I just finished.
I had a guest from an English-speaking country and all communication was in English. I used to have a quite good level of English, but I don’t speak it often anymore and the vocabulary attached to conversation about intimacy, sex, energies, philosophy and senses is not what I learned at school;(
It is the second time that he visits me. We had a great connection the first time we meet into the massage, which was his first time, as I record.
I never try to remember a massage. It is always unique and right in the moment.
But sometimes the energy flow gets deeper, higher, intense, playful, emotional… well, some will call it chemistry, but for me, it is just the way our energies chose that particular day to express themselves, and the body has his own way of remembering, and looking forward to meet again and to recreate the same intensity.
Today’s challenge was to drop any expectations of trying to make it as: enjoyable, wonderful, memorable as the first time. Stop trying to make it as the first time was remembered.
Trying to redo a success is a sure way to fail, specially within tantric massage.
To repeat that success will mean, to remember what we did last time. But none of us, could, which is good! We just were looking forward to meet again and make magic happen again. With magic, we might think “connextion, intensity, desire, passion, movement” and the good feeling about have a great time together.
What a weight to put on each other shoulder! Expectations “sucks” and we have them so often. For who wouldn’t want to get again this box of Belgian chocolates that tasted wonderful?
Or this, is cream that you only get in Italy, but every time you see it in a kiosk in Denmark, you have to buy it, and gets disappointed every time…
So, we had a little dance, trying to speak around the topic, lighting it up for different point of views, before we dropped the whole mental project and got into the temple.
We sat there, waiting to settle into the room, our bodies, waiting for the mind to quiet. Sometime I speak, guide, sometime I just wait for an impulse.
An then the impulse came and I guided him, just to lie down on my lap and I hold him, hold the quietness and gave time for the energies to rise. I had no ideas of what the next move would be, but it came and the next one, and so on.
The massage was special because I allowed myself to use the whole range of my tools without thinking of what belongs to a tantric massage or not.
Body therapy came to me and my hands started working by themselves. They pushed into tensions, into the tissues, and that was painful. I guided him into a deeper and more free breath, and hold the space for him.
I say “You are protecting me”. Humm…. Am I? and from there, we were talking a little bit.
I was showing him pattern in his body reactions, and pattern from his life.
Just enough for his body to react, adjust and relax. Just enough to allow the energy to get free.
And it got free! His hands began to feel strange. His wanted to shake them, because something must be wrong. It felt like they were tingling and sleeping. His body never had felt like that before.
An energetic rush. Cells dancing, playing, moving… Lifeforce going through his body with playfulness.
I kept trusting my hands even though my mind wanted to comment “this is body therapy, he is expecting a tantric massage”. But everything in my massage can be tantric. It is not the tools, or the way that makes it tantric, but the presence, the awareness.
Time went quickly, I hold the space and guided him to be into the energy, to stay with it, to play with it.
He got tired and we rested, got something to eat and drink. He got a shower and returned to his journey back home.
He expressed that he did missed cuddling… but was it a rest of unfulfilled expectations?
As I was showering after he left, it occurred to me, that I forgot everything about a lingam massage. I don’t think he noticed at the time, as I didn’t myself. But as it is described in my presentation, you can’t expect or order anything in my massage. Everything and nothing can, may happen, but nothing has to happened.
The lingam receives as much attention as the rest of the body, and sometimes a hand, or the face or the lingam, gets more attention, this particular time. Next massage will be different, and again unic.
I am so grateful about this freedom and trust. About being able to open this door inside my heart and to meet again and again a new body and soul.
Thanks for the gift and love.